asian parents
May 03, 2010
so here's the thing.
my parents are asian. both of them came from relatively humble backgrounds and had to work hard for whatever they got in life. as their child, i am expected to do the same. i understand and agree with this mindset completely: it is important to work hard in life and i should work hard to take advantage of the resources that i have, that so many others will never have access to.
sometimes they can be a little harsh. like all parents. sometimes they can have mood swings or be unreasonable like any other human being. but, for the most part, i know that they have my best interests at heart.
i am closer with my parents than many people are with theirs.
but one thing that i absolutely cannot talk to them about is boys.
i got asked to prom for the last three years, but they never let me go. i didn't really care very much at all, though. because i thought that (and still do for that matter XD) the majority of high school relationships were stupid.
i thought that dating was only something that you should do if you were looking to get married. because i wasn't interested in short term, hedonistic relationships. i wanted the meaningful one. the one with a marriage at the end. or at least, the thinking that we were serious about each other that marriage could be a viable option in the future.
but then, a year and a half ago, i met this guy and we ended up becoming really good friends over the course of the year. he was like me in that we shared the same values. he was/is smart (even though he doesn't think so). he had a stupid sense of humor, much like i did. he made me laugh, which was so very important to me. and i didn't want to like him, i really didn't. the last thing i wanted was a relationship in high school.
but i couldn't help it. this guy made me happy. and if i never took a chance with it, i didn't want to end up regretting it in the future.
but i knew then and i know now that my parents would not and will not approve. in fact, my dad once said "There is plenty of time for dating and stuff after college".
my parents seem to believe that having a significant other will take my attention away from what is really important at the moment: school. this can be easily refuted by the fact that last semester (before senioritis really attacked) my GPA was higher than its ever been throughout the course of high school, even though i had already been in a relationship for quite a bit of time at this point.
but the thing is, i can't risk telling them about it. i don't know what they would do. and i don't want to take any chances.
one of the reasons that i didn't choose to go to my state school (where my SO is) rather than carnegie mellon was that they would find out about my relationship at some point, and they would understand my reasoning behind choosing the state school and then become furious and then refuse to accept my relationship ever.
i hope to prove to them that i am not as silly and flighty as teenagers are stereotyped to be. but i don't know how.
TL;DR - my asian parents won't let me be in a relationship, but i am and it sucks cause i can't tell them.
advice?
sorry for the long post guys; needed to rant XD
my parents are asian. both of them came from relatively humble backgrounds and had to work hard for whatever they got in life. as their child, i am expected to do the same. i understand and agree with this mindset completely: it is important to work hard in life and i should work hard to take advantage of the resources that i have, that so many others will never have access to.
sometimes they can be a little harsh. like all parents. sometimes they can have mood swings or be unreasonable like any other human being. but, for the most part, i know that they have my best interests at heart.
i am closer with my parents than many people are with theirs.
but one thing that i absolutely cannot talk to them about is boys.
i got asked to prom for the last three years, but they never let me go. i didn't really care very much at all, though. because i thought that (and still do for that matter XD) the majority of high school relationships were stupid.
i thought that dating was only something that you should do if you were looking to get married. because i wasn't interested in short term, hedonistic relationships. i wanted the meaningful one. the one with a marriage at the end. or at least, the thinking that we were serious about each other that marriage could be a viable option in the future.
but then, a year and a half ago, i met this guy and we ended up becoming really good friends over the course of the year. he was like me in that we shared the same values. he was/is smart (even though he doesn't think so). he had a stupid sense of humor, much like i did. he made me laugh, which was so very important to me. and i didn't want to like him, i really didn't. the last thing i wanted was a relationship in high school.
but i couldn't help it. this guy made me happy. and if i never took a chance with it, i didn't want to end up regretting it in the future.
but i knew then and i know now that my parents would not and will not approve. in fact, my dad once said "There is plenty of time for dating and stuff after college".
my parents seem to believe that having a significant other will take my attention away from what is really important at the moment: school. this can be easily refuted by the fact that last semester (before senioritis really attacked) my GPA was higher than its ever been throughout the course of high school, even though i had already been in a relationship for quite a bit of time at this point.
but the thing is, i can't risk telling them about it. i don't know what they would do. and i don't want to take any chances.
one of the reasons that i didn't choose to go to my state school (where my SO is) rather than carnegie mellon was that they would find out about my relationship at some point, and they would understand my reasoning behind choosing the state school and then become furious and then refuse to accept my relationship ever.
i hope to prove to them that i am not as silly and flighty as teenagers are stereotyped to be. but i don't know how.
TL;DR - my asian parents won't let me be in a relationship, but i am and it sucks cause i can't tell them.
advice?
sorry for the long post guys; needed to rant XD
Comments:
lieawake_dream:
i feel you :[ if i'm in a relationship i won't tell my asian parents either. if i'm going on a date to the mall or something i'll say i'm meeting some of my girl friends there. personally i feel that if you're going to college though, you're old and mature enough to be dating and you've already proved yourself more than capable at handling your priorities. if your parents are all the way at home they shouldn't be able to tell you if you can be in a relationship or not. they just have to get over it
hope things work out for you<3
uaremyfavorite:
@lieawake_dream -
i do the same thing -_- i don't like lying to them, but i don't see any other option -_- thanks <3 and same to you!fishy_yum:
Wow. You just... explained my life story. Hahaha! Well, sort of. Me and another friend's story. This comment might be long so... bear with me.
My story is actually quite similar to yours, except it happened four years ago. I have the same mind mentality as you do... I'm in it for marriage, not just to muck about, or whatever. Even though I was younger than you were at that time, and you're probably "No, duh, your parents wouldn't let you date" but trust me. They didn't want me to date in high school. Period. That boyfriend? Well, after they found out, they threatened to switch me to another high school. Obviously, I pretended to break up with him, but stayed with him for another... three months? Either way, it didn't work out. So at that time, maybe it was because I was young, but I'm seventeen now, going on eighteen, and I'm SURE they'd still strongly disapprove of me having a boyfriend (Not that I have one, thank God. I am currently SWAMPED with work). Their reasoning was the same as your parents' in that they thought I'd get "unfocused." I'm going to take a stab at this but I think our parents are trying to protect us from hurt that accompanies high school relationships. I mean think about it, our hormones are in full swing so we're more emotional. Sure, when it's the honeymoon period (maybe your last semester, but it was my first three months), everything is great. You're working harder, everything is making sense. But what if you guys argue and your moods are low? Maybe you'll get distracted, dwelling on what you should or shouldn't have done? Or maybe, he wants to "take a break." Trust me, you're going to be in high freak out mode and you're going to be thinking of things OTHER than your work. This is just a guess. My dad even said the exact same thing your dad said... sorta. It was more like "It's not like we want you to be single forever. We're just saying, you'll get what you need when the time comes. And right now, you do not need a boyfriend. Plus, what have you seen anyway? You're stuck in this little school, in this city. There could be a GREAT guy waiting OUT THERE to meet you and you'd be stuck with this guy here. Get my drift?" Which is, if you've had enough time to digest it, true. Which brings me to my friend's story.
She's was in high school, "fell in love" with some guy there AND WAS ABOUT TO GO THE SAME SCHOOL HE WAS JUST BECAUSE THEY WERE IN LOVE. Trust me, this girl had POTENTIAL. She carried a 98% average and she was going to throw it away, go to some shotty old college for this guy. Her dad said (exact words), "Erica, you live in a small pond. You only see what's in this small pond. But guess what? There's a huge OCEAN out there. And you're going to meet so many different people that you'll head will spin. So, why are you settling for the little pond fish when you haven't even been given more options from the "big sea." So, she (reluctantly) agrees, and goes out to the world, goes to a big university. And guess what? She ACTUALLY found someone better. Six years later, one degree later, they got married and they are living happily ever after. And you know what she told her dad during her wedding? "Thank you Dad for telling me to let go of the small fish. If you hadn't, I would have never caught this big fish." Cute story. TOTALLY reminded me of you. So, I'd say, you made the right choice in picking the other school (assuming that other school can provide you with more of the stuff you need). Pick the school that provides you with the most benefits, not because he's there or because you're afraid your parents will be angry if you go to the other school.
Not to dissuade you with going with the relationship, but most high school relationships (99%, I think it was) don't work. If you're lucky, and I'm saying 1% lucky, you'll make it. But most relationships I see, they don't. Hopefully, for your sake, it does work! I guess, I don't really have much advice for you. If I were you, I think I'd tell the guy to wait. Sounds silly right? But I definitely would. "Wait for me. Four years. If we still have it, I'll go with you. Anywhere." And if it was actually meant to be (and if he's actually as good as you say he is), it'll work. Promise. I'm going to guess that piece of advice didn't really make you happy and is not one you want, but honestly, Sugar, it's a good test. You'll see. Anyways, that's all I can think of saying right now. I'll get back to you when I think of some more. I'm kind of scattered brained when I'm in the midst of finals :( If you have any questions, feel free to message me. But besides that, good luck :) Things will work out. They always do.
fishy_yum: Um, yeah. Sorry for the massive comment. I got a little excited there.
uaremyfavorite:
@fishy_yum -
that's the thing. he is willing to wait for me. he was a little sad when i decided to go to the other school, but he's been really supportive of my decision and he says that i should do whatever makes me happy :\ he's pretty much made it clear that he's in it for the long haul too. and i just can't see myself not wanting to be with him, ever -__- so it's hard to say that it's a good thing that i'm going to get to meet more guys. because i don't want more guys, i'd just really rather be with him :\ XDbut thanks so much for taking the time to give such lengthy advice. i felt like i needed to decide to go to the other school because i'm confident that things will work out between us no matter what, but the same might not be for my career :P
good luck on finals!! <3
DontTurnAway: at some point you need to fly away from the nest and make your own decisions. no matter what you do, your parents will always be there and support you. Even if they DO find out about your boyfriend, it really isn't up to them to decide what can and can't make you happy or what you should or shouldn't do to accomplish your happiness.
if they don't accept him, they'll have to be forced to accept him if it IS the kind of guy you want to stick around. do what YOU want, not what they want. if you want to act like an adult, you have to make adult decisions-- and this is one of them.
clulessJ: just tell them, your old enough. I dont understand asain parents who are like that. they should want you to be happy.
la_femme_inconnue: How old are you?
In general, I think they just have to accept your choices.
But then again, my parents have a different mindset and I have no idea how difficult it really is to tell your parents.
I think, it's important that YOU are happy with what you're doing =)
uaremyfavorite:
@DontTurnAway -
true~ i just don't like lying to them :(@clulessJ -
I think they're just scared that I'll get hurt :\@la_femme_inconnue -
I'll be 18 this year. I would rather not go behind their back and do this, but I don't know that there is another option :\ But I am prepared to do that if that's what it takes.Pretty_Princess_Pebbles: i was in the same situation last year. when i got to college,my mom found out because she snooped in my room and found out that I had been dating my boyfriend at the time for 9 months already. they say high school relationships dont last make it up to 3 months on a college campus, but mine did. Though Im not with him now we lasted until just recently, but it wasn't because of the distance, so if you guys trust each other and make time for each other it could work. just be sure not to make your entire life revolve around him. i wasted my first semester on the phone rather than enjoying college life with my friebds (and i dont mean going out and drinking i jsut mean hanging out) because in my head i was stuck at home. Life for where you are rather than dwelling on where you might have been.